Why can't dreams be dreams?

The flashbacks to the events happened, they were in my very restless night's sleep. Those flashbacks to the movie "Unfaithful" that lonesome Saturday duty in November 2007. The irony of watching that movie, for reality was playing a cruel joke on me. I didn't like that joke very much, no thank you.

The flashbacks of my imagination, of the things that they may have done in that car. The car which I have no description. It was just dark, and his hands running down the zipper of her dress. His lips planted in her mouth, the touch, the soft moans, the tender intimate love. Did that bracelet she wore mean nothing?

Arghhh.. I hate those flashbacks.

Fast forward, 15 months, the unsettling feeling came rushing down my spine. I didn't want to believe it at first. Was she doing it again right before my eyes? The lies, the lies, the lies, and I took them all, and sat patiently waiting. What a fool. They sat in a quiet corner, talking, laughing, having a ball of a time, and one thing let to another...they embrace with passion and thrill.

Arghh.. I hate those damn bloody flashbacks.

My feet felt a lot heavier today. My heart being dragged on the floor behind me. No will to move forward. No will to live. My chatter today seemed empty and dead. I wanted to be left alone, yet I did not want to do any work. Everything grind to a halt. This heartbroken locomotive is not going to make its destination today.

My eyes are red, tired from the lack of sleep. I try to sleep again, but fruitless. My head throbs louder and harder as moments pass. I feel dizzy. Food has no taste. The poison of grief is in my veins. Like a line of IV dripping at full bolus into my veins, I feel the hurt rushing to all parts of the body.

I can't talk to anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. They all have their own sets of problems. We are there for each other, but this keeps going and going, it's tiresome for them. It's tiresome for me.

Sigh...