Rain Drops Into The Ocean

The rain was cleansing. Although, there was a lot of it in Brunei, but to feel rain drop onto my forehead and shoulders, wet shoes, wet socks, it felt really good. It's funny because I'm not one to like being soaked in clothes, but somehow today I just felt good.

Washing away the pain.

Sigh. It gets really boring in camp. Everyone is missing. On MC, in Brunei, just plain, not coming to camp, ORD even. It makes me feel really alone. Just working the mornings away and sleeping the afternoons off. Nights are spent at home in front of the computer or the tele. This whole illegal thing is just necessary. Nothing beats the warm embrace of home. Midnight all over my feet. Just comfort.

I'm happy for one thing though. My surgery has been changed. Now, to get MC to get out of the whole OPS thing completely. That shall be my mission for the rest of the week. They're so going to hate me for this. But, I just need to stop all this Army shit. I need reality. I need time for myself.

Too bad with this shoulder injury, I can't go surfing this May, as I had planned. God knows how badly I need to be away right now. Just me and the ocean. Such a beautiful thought. But, I guess that has to wait.

Waiting for the time to come.

The Quiet Before The Blaze

The night sky outside is as dark as my heart. This is a cold, dark place. The night is quiet, but the world that is around me is Chaos. Spirit of the '70s, i'd say. The turmoil, the riots, the deaths, it's all there.

I don't really know what to think. The confusion within has extended beyond what I wanted. Like the wildfire that has taken 96 lives in Aussie land. This confusion spreads and one by one perish in its flames.

I can't say I didn't fear that it'd happen. Much like those who build their homes next to the wildlife. The serenity and the beauty is so appealing. It takes your breath away. Yet, when the wild turns its fiery head, all Hell breaks loose.

Hell has broken loose. The demons run amok. I AM SCARED. Scared to death of what is/will/might/could happen. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know what the future has install for us.

But, what I do know, is right now, all this chaos, all this pain that we cause to each other, has to quelled. I just need to be left alone in this world. I'm not ready to jump in, take the plunge, take another gamble. This is what it is, a Gamble. I'm not ready to Gamble. Not with my heart. Not the second time. I'm not ready. I'm not sorry, No. This was not my intention but, what has become, what has happened, the unthinkable happened...again. I can't do it.

I tried to be as open as I possibly could. Trying to be the pillar that I once was, without the Risk of being burnt. I realised this is not possible. No matter how hard I try, the civility and the niceties will be singed, and singed till the scald turns to a Fire.

This is what's best. The hate and anger that you throw at me, I feel is unjust but I will not refute. As times before, I shall be the sponge that absorbs this. But, I did not do this to us. I did not want this for us. This is the effect of consequences that have come to pass. If you hate me, if you are angry with me, I have every right to be likewise. If you are sad and lonely, I am every bit the same as you.

Please don't hurt yourself. It solves nothing. Like I've said just a week ago, do something that will benefit you in the long haul. Self-harm is not beneficial one bit. Doing it will not change anything. It does not show that you want to be better, but that you succumb to that which makes you weak. You can be strong, I know you are. It just depends on You.

You Do not know what happens in the future. If we cross paths like back when we were in Secondary School, you may never know, it CAN happen again. Don't rush, let it be God's Will.

my wish is that you please be careful, and take good care of yourself. being silent, does not mean i don't care. i just can't handle all these right now. i hope you can respect this. move on and be all that you can be...

Ring! Ring!

"Ring, Goddamit!"

Awaiting my phone to ring. Bring me news, good news, that's all I want. The handphone sits silently in my pocket, by my thigh. I take it out and place on the table. I'm desperate. I'm willing it to ring. Then, it comes. But...No....The ring is not from my phone. The ring comes from the driver next to me. He awakes immediately from his lazy slumber and answers. My phone defiantly, silent.

Elsewhere, I imiagine there's flurry of activity. I hope there is. Checking of appointments and the Surgery board. Is there an O.R available, doc? This boy, needs a repaired ligament. But, that's partial truth. All I need is an escape. Nevertheless, their handphones and pagers beep crazily away, checking of schedules, change the date, change the date, change the date... Make the bloody thing feasible already.

Ring! Why don't you bloody ring?!

I fling my phone in anger! Shatters into crimson red pieces. The red plastic like blood on broken shrapnel. What have I done? The grenade has exploded. The napalm dropped like rain, fire engulfs 'Nam. We ran towards safety. But the trench that we are in is a locked target. Soon, a mortar will land. Ten seconds from now, the mortar has. I look at the mess I have made. Thank God, it was all in my head. My phone sits silently on the table. It is mocking me. Laughing at me. Desperation is my folly. Maybe I should fling it. That'll teach it a lesson!

My phone sits silently on the table. I go about with my day to day. "Ring! Goddamit!" dancing around my head. But, the ring never comes...

Existence

The rained poured before me. Cold, wet, alone, miserable. I sat at the staircase and awaited time to pass. It needed to pass before I could move. All there was to do is wait. The time read 6.03am, an insignificant hour. Still dark outside. Dark and quiet, I let my mind drift off. I did not fall asleep, I was not tired. Surprisingly. I was awake, my mind was fresh and abuzz. It had to be the oxygen being released from all the greenery. It had to be the fresh morning air, scented dew and cool menthol taste. I reflected, I meditated, I began to think.

I realised I left that part of me for a long time now. That part of me that just sat down in the dark and let my mind drift into the abyss. Allowing the abyss to drift me into new dimensions and new time warps to learn and grow. I was asking questions again. Real pressing questions of Life. Of my Life.

I asked myself, "Why am I here?"

I had no answer. I just drifted and saw endless possibilities of what would be. I did not answer the question, but this is something we cannot really put our fingers on. No one can. It just makes you speculate and aim for something that you Think is the closest fit. The closest fit is usually what makes you Happy. Our train of thought is such due to the fact that our psyche has been programmed to believe that Happiness means Purpose. But what if...it ISN'T. What if the Happiness that we pursue, and in this day and age, Money is not the reason we are here. Surely commercialism and capitalism was not our design, was not why we wrestled a million other brothers and sisters in our mothers wombs many years ago, to fight them all of, to survive as the strongest, the fastest, the fittest, the most steadfast and certain, to Exist. Surely, back then, we knew we had a bigger Purpose. A need to be strong, fast, fit so that we can deliver this Big Purpose. Yet, through societal influence, instituitional influence, suddenly we lost sight of the Purpose. We don't hear it in our hearts anymore. Its just quiet. silent.

What is my Big Purpose? What is my inner voice telling me?

I need the cover of darkness, I need the background to fade into nothing.

I must investigate further.